Finding Peace by Overcoming Perfectionism
As I sat down to write this blog, I hesitated.
I wanted to write a blog that speaks directly to the people who need to hear about how perfectionism steals joy and peace, helping people who wonder if overcoming perfectionism is possible.
I sat with this blog for a few days, changing my mind about my approach, reconsidering how I’d lay out the information. I was worried I’d miss something crucial, or that I would put together something boring. Then I realized…
I wanted to write the perfect blog. And as a result, I couldn’t write a thing. Funny how that works sometimes, isn’t it? But also, what a great opportunity!
Perfectionism: how it starts
Being motivated by goals, putting effort into attaining them, and working toward proficiency and achievement are all healthy, normal experiences that help us feel purposeful in our lives. They can feel like proof we have autonomy and make a difference, which are things we all need as people to feel fulfilled.
That motivation toward achievement is also, unfortunately, where perfectionism often begins. We're taught in school, at work, in society, and even at home, that our achievements are very important; people who achieve a lot are celebrated, and people who fail are ignored, cast out, punished, or fired. “If we achieve, we matter” is the overwhelming message.
When our value as a person and our sense of inclusion with others become tied to achievement, that’s where perfectionism takes hold. When we are motivated by fear of failure, and by a desire to achieve so we can still belong, perfectionism has taken root. But so what? Why would it matter if you’re still working toward achieving things?
Perfectionism can quickly go too far
Mistakes are normal. Failing is normal. Having to start over, to change what you’re doing, or to learn more before you continue are all normal parts of experiencing life.
But perfectionism tells you it’s not normal to need to grow and learn; only success matters. This can lead to life disruption, impacting your self-worth, your relationships, and even your motivation.
Signs of perfectionism include:
Unrealistic expectations
Inability to start projects, or finish them, because they may be imperfect
When your self-worth is tied to accomplishment
Ignoring compliments
Minimizing successes
Being overly critical
Sticking to the familiar and avoiding challenges
Reduced creativity
Focusing solely on outcomes
Overworking
Rumination
Constant dissatisfaction and disappointment
Stress and outbursts
Perfectionism can focus on:
Appearance (Manliness or femininity)
Work
Hobbies
Social status, social accomplishments
Education level or learning ability
Speech/communication skills
Financial status
Material possessions
Family
Relationships
Perfectionism steals your peace
Perfectionism is rooted in a combination of unrealistic expectations, fear of failure, and fear of judgment. Whether it’s failure to live up to your own unrealistic expectations, failure to live up to the unrealistic expectations of others, or fear of failure of others to live up to your own unrealistic expectations, perfectionism comes from fear.
As humans, we need to feel like we belong, and we need to feel like we matter. When we base our self-worth, or how we value others, on unrealistic expectations around accomplishment, it becomes impossible to feel worthy, and impossible to avoid harsh judgment.
A life driven by fear, and a life where unrealistic expectations are treated as normal, becomes a life where it’s hard to find any peace. Perfectionism steals the calm that comes with knowing you’re worthy, and those around you are worthy, regardless of your accomplishments.
Perfectionism robs you of joy
Perfectionism makes it hard to see the value in celebrating successes; success is treated as the bare minimum, and why would you celebrate the bare minimum? It can also take the joy out of the process. Why would you enjoy learning, participating, or trying new things when all that matters is the outcome?
Perfectionism can also take the joy out of your relationships. Whether it pushes you to be overly critical of yourself, making it hard to show up and share joyous moments, or it clouds your ability to enjoy others because you’re constantly finding fault, your relationships can seriously suffer from perfectionism.
Perfectionism halts your progress in life
Perfectionism is all about accomplishment, right? Not quite. Perfectionism attaches importance to accomplishment, but ultimately it’s motivated by fear of failure and judgment, it can actually stand in the way of getting things done. My hesitation around writing this blog is merely one example of perfectionism and procrastination going hand-in-hand.
Why would you try something you’re not certain you’ll do well from the start if you’re a perfectionist? Why take on that new role at work, or start that new venture, or take a chance on that new project? Why start a relationship with someone new? Why seek out therapy for perfectionists if you can’t fix your problem in one session? You can’t guarantee perfection, so why start?
I couldn’t write because I was trying to write the perfect blog; there is no perfect blog! Perfectionism had me frozen, keeping me from writing what I know, so I could help people, for fear I would miss something or fail to help.
Perfectionism leads to depression and anxiety
Chronic, maladaptive perfectionism is linked to developing both depression and anxiety. Perfectionism isolates you, pushes you to be dissatisfied with everything you do, freezes you in place from fear of failure, and encourages negative self-beliefs, all of which are symptoms of depression. It also urges you on with fear, causes restlessness, and feeds racing thoughts, leading to persistent anxiety.
When perfectionism tips over into depression or anxiety, it feeds the perfectionism by making it harder to accomplish anything and reinforcing self-judgment or the judgment of others. It also disrupts the rest of your life, making it difficult to thrive in your daily life.
Overcoming perfectionism
A growth mindset can help you achieve while overcoming perfectionism
Cultivating a growth mindset can free you from perfectionism. Growth mindsets take the stance that effort and flexibility in your approaches are the key to success; the final outcome is fine to strive for, but the success lies in the effort. Trying, failing, and trying again becomes success with a growth mindset, and with that mindset, “perfect” ceases to be a problem.
Self-compassion frees you from fear of judgment
When we tie our sense of self-worth and belonging to accomplishment, we can end up very sensitive to judgment. Constructive criticism feels like outright rejection. Missing a detail or making a mistake can spark terrible fear of being socially ostracized.
The harshness that perfectionism can bring on can be mellowed with self-compassion. Self-compassion is acceptance of yourself and those around you, as worth caring about even when, or especially when, you’re imperfect. Overcoming perfectionism means embracing being imperfect, and embracing imperfection is a lot easier when you understand that being human, with strengths and failings, is an experience you share with everyone around you.
Try talking to yourself like you’d talk to a valued friend. Would you call a friend stupid for making a mistake? Would you tear them down because they have more learning to do before they’ll succeed? Try writing a letter to yourself like you were writing one to a good friend, reflecting on how your perfectionism is keeping you stuck.
Offer yourself compassion in the letter; wanting to feel like you belong, and wanting to succeed, are both reasonable! You’ve got your best interests at heart, but maybe there’s another way forward, one that involves loving yourself even if you make a mistake or don’t accomplish something in a “perfect” way.
Stop the perfectionist rumination cycle
Rumination, or thinking repetitively about a process, topic, idea, or plan, is a common issue with perfectionism. This constant thinking can be exhausting, and can feel pretty compelling even when it’s not offering you any new information or solutions. So how can you climb out of a perfectionist rumination cycle?
Notice when you start ruminating. Pause, and note to yourself, “I’m ruminating, this is perfectionism talking.”
Find a helpful distraction; do something completely different from what you’re ruminating over, and try to focus on doing that task, letting your thoughts pass you by without engaging with them.
Practice mindfulness or meditation; pull your thoughts back to the present moment, to how you feel in your body, to what you can sense around you. As your mind tries to run back to perfectionism, gently return your attention back to the moment again and again.
Take a look at the facts of the matter. Look at what’s realistic, possible, and your responsibility. Look at what’s unrealistic, impossible, or out of your control. When your thoughts move onto unrealistic, perfectionistic topics, remind yourself of what’s in your control and what is your responsibility. Be your devil’s advocate and challenge the critical thoughts.
Therapy for perfectionism can help you let go of a fear of failure
While you are definitely able to make great strides in letting go of perfectionism on your own, having the support and guidance of a therapist who is there to encourage and challenge your perfectionist tendencies can help a lot. Your therapist can offer you self-compassion exercises, ways to develop a growth mindset, and help you stay present in the moment so rumination stops wasting your mental energy. If perfectionism has tipped you into depression or anxiety, therapy can help with that too, providing you with a whole toolbox of healthy ways to cope.
I’ve helped many people to accept their imperfections, embrace a growth mindset, let go of rumination, and move forward in life, no longer frozen by perfectionism. And I’m ready to help you. Feel free to reach out when you’re ready; you have the power to move past perfectionism and on to a healthier approach to accomplishment and self-worth, and I’m here to help you!
