Calm, Clear, Constructive: How to Keep Your Cool While Parenting Teens

Parenting teens is not for the weak! Your sweet little child has grown into a moody, opinionated, complicated teen, and you’re worried about their safety, their future, who they’re friends with, what they’re getting up to when they’re out of your sight (or when they’re online), what kind of person they are now, who they’ll be when they grow up. 

You may find yourself struggling to know who you need to be for your teen. A disciplinarian? A friend? Both?  You’re balancing being a parent and something closer to a peer, with a person who is rapidly growing and getting to know themselves in a complicated (but also amazing) way.

Teens require a unique approach to parenting, one that involves teamwork between parents, active listening, clear and steady communication, mutual respect, well-defined expectations, and some flexibility. Easier said than done, right?

Parenting teens: it’s a team effort

Whether you’re a single parent with a spread-out support system, coparenting between separated or divorced households, or parenting in the same home, it’s important (as much as is possible) to be aligned in your parenting approach with every other adult who is a major part of your teen’s life. One parent saying one thing, and another saying the opposite, over-strict or over-permissive approaches, or inconsistency will do nothing but confuse your teen and create opportunities for miscommunication, misbehavior, and conflict. 

Try to find a middle ground if you and your coparent disagree on something, and try to make sure everyone is clear on what is expected, how you’ll communicate those expectations to your teen, and who will handle consequences. Keep in mind that you’ll probably have to have this kind of conversation more than once. Things can change as your teen grows and different parenting challenges pop up, and responding together as a unified parenting team helps cut down on conflict and confusion. 

Clear expectations and calm corrections are key when parenting teens

Once you’ve got a solid parenting plan, it’s time to communicate it to your teen.

Setting clear expectations helps teens rise to the occasion

Lay out defined goals for your teen. What do you expect for study time, free time, socializing, and extracurriculars like sports? What do you expect around the house? What are the family rules for teens? What’s their curfew, how much screen time can they have, what chores are they responsible for?

Help your teen plan their time so they can fulfill your expectations, and make sure they have free time in their schedule. This combination of free time and scheduled time helps give your teen structure and stability, and gives them a chance to learn time management. 

Teens need to know the “why” of parenting decisions

“Why” isn’t a defiant question, even if it feels like an argument. Teens aren’t little children anymore and are working on developing independence. That includes independently deciding whether or not to participate in your family’s rules. They need to understand why they’re being asked something in order to consistently decide to do it.

Explaining why also helps your teen understand the deeper responsibilities and consequences of not meeting expectations. You don’t want them to study because you enjoy watching them read! You want them to study so they can have more choices in future plans and so they can feel good about their efforts and achievements. Tell them that, not to get permission from them to parent, but to speak to them on more of a peer level about what they’re expected to do. 

Even if they complain and say they hate the rules, they understand deep down that you’re creating this structure for them out of love and a need to protect them. They know, even if they won’t admit it, that reasonable rules are a sign they’re cared for and loved.

Delivering consequences without anger sets an example for your teen

Teens are frustrating! They’re really good at pushing our buttons as parents, and they’re also dealing with an inner storm of emotions and thoughts that are new and sometimes overwhelming as they go through puberty. The part of their brain responsible for emotional regulation isn’t even fully formed yet, nor is their impulse control, so they’re driven by feelings and impulses more than adults. 

They need a calm parent to co-regulate with. As you explain your expectations and deliver consequences when they don’t meet those expectations, you need to be the calm in the storm for your teen. You may be very frustrated, angry, or sad, but it’s important that you don’t deliver and enforce consequences out of anger or grief. Your calm creates emotional space for your teen to calm down as well. 

This isn’t an invitation to let your teen scream at you, disrespect you, or otherwise behave irresponsibly. Setting expectations for communication of feelings and thoughts can be part of your parenting plan. You can also let your teen know through words about how their actions have made you feel. But it’s your job to set an example of how you need your teen to behave by behaving that way yourself. 

Independence and support: an important balance when parenting teens

So, you’ve put in the effort to get to know your teen, you understand them better, and you’re working on keeping their attempts at independence from getting to you. What now?

Praise them for their efforts, and be specific

A lot of us were raised to do as we were told and not to expect thanks or praise for it. This can make it hard to want to thank your teen for doing their chores or praise them for keeping their cool during a disagreement. If you didn’t get that consideration, why should they?

When you tell your teen they’re doing a good job, praise their effort (even if they don’t succeed in their first try), and show gratitude for their participation in the family, you’re reinforcing good behavior. It encourages your teen to feel seen in their efforts, and it can help them keep trying. You’re noticing their hard work, and you’re recognizing that it makes your life better to see them do better.

Make sure you’re specific in what you notice and praise. If you just tell your teen “do your best”, they may end up in a tailspin trying to meet the vague standard of “best”, stressing them out needlessly. Instead, notice what they’re doing, and encourage them to keep up the good work. Let them know you believe in them, and that you’re proud they’re participating and working hard. 

Get your teen involved in the decision-making in your household

Your teen needs to develop self-confidence and a sense of responsibility, and you could use another household member who helps out, so increasing your teen’s involvement in the family through decision-making is a win-win. Set an expectation around involvement in the home that gives your teen some autonomy and allows them to take charge. 

Have them take responsibility for dinner once a week, but let them choose what they cook. Let them pick the weekend activity, even if it’s something that isn’t exactly what you’d want to do. Let them take the lead on planning a family trip or a holiday gathering, and only jump in to help if they’re really stuck. 

When your teen feels competent and involved, they’re more likely to open up to you, they’re more likely to want to take part in the family, and they’re learning valuable life skills at the same time. 

Understanding is the secret ingredient to parenting teens

Without understanding, you may believe the worst of your teen. Parents who believe the worst about their teens often end up with teens who are at their very worst, even when they’re capable of much more. You are the one who sets the tone in terms of your teen being able to meet your expectations, so believing in them and letting them know you think they’re up for the challenge of growing into a responsible young adult can go a long way toward them actually succeeding in life. 

It takes a village to parent teens, and teen therapist, Alexa vonOertzen, can be part of your village

Setting expectations and developing open lines of calm communication with your teen isn’t a dynamic you need to build overnight, and it’s not one you need to figure out all on your own. In this blog, Alexa vonOertzen has shared some insights to help you get started on parenting your teen with less angst, less anger, and more collaboration as a family unit, but know that consistent support for you as the parent and for your teen can make a huge difference for a family.

If you, as a parent, are interested in more information on how to set healthy expectations, don’t hesitate to reach out! Alexa provides parent coaching and family therapy in Coral Springs and Fort Lauderdale, offering sessions in both English and Portuguese, and has worked with many parents of teens to help everyone to not only make it through the tough teen years, but to enjoy them! Call Alexa today at 954-391-5305 or visit the Bayview Therapy website to schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.