Five Secrets to Understanding Teens from a Teen Therapist
All you want is for your teen to grow into the excellent young adult you know they’ll be, but the day-to-day of parenting a teen can be tough. Slammed doors, eyerolls, nonsense slang, total silence, crying jags, or sudden irritation are all common hallmarks of the teen years, and they can easily stress a parent out. You worry about defiance, you see how they meet your anger with their own anger, and you aren’t sure how to get them to listen.
Understanding your teen, what they’re thinking, and what they’re going through as adolescents in a very different era from when you were a teen, can help make parenting them easier on everyone. Their moodiness isn’t personal, and there’s room in your home for both respect from your teen and honest and open expression of how they’re feeling. It’s your job as a parent to strike that balance, and starting with understanding can help.
Secret #1 - Your teen still needs you
Your teen may not ask for time with you often, but don’t assume that means they don’t need you in their life. Teens often struggle to show vulnerability; they are trying to be independent, but they still want and need guidance, love, and family time, even if they struggle to admit it.
Consistently offering your teen time can help you build solid trust and care. Your teen will probably turn you down sometimes, maybe more often than not, but keep offering anyway; graciously accepting your teen’s “no” at the start of this approach makes it easier for them to start to say “yes”.
Secret #2 - Listening without judgment helps your teen feel safe opening up
When your teen does open up, you may want to jump right into problem-solving mode, giving them advice and sharing your wisdom. While this might seem like it’ll help your teen, it can feel like criticism or like you just don’t “get” what your teen is going through, and it can shut teens down.
Often, your teen isn’t yet ready to take advice or make changes; they need to think through and talk through what they’re experiencing first. Give them that space where you listen thoughtfully, you validate how they’re feeling (even if you don’t agree, show them that you see their point of view), and you ask questions to help them make up their own mind, e.g., “How do you feel about that?” “What would you like to do?” “What would you do differently?”, etc.
Offer your teen time where you listen (without judgment, arguing, or correction), and they’ll start to open up to you more. Offer them time where you’re just hanging out as a family, and they’ll choose to stay home sometimes. Offer them time where you involve them in the household, where they get to make their own choices, and they’ll be more engaged in participating with the family.
Secret #3 - Teens need space to try out new points of view
One side-effect of listening to your teen is seeing all the ways they disagree with you. While this can be frustrating for a parent, understanding your teen’s sometimes petty or ridiculous differences of opinion can help you let go of some of that frustration.
Understand that a teen will often try out a different opinion from their parents because they are trying to differentiate themselves from the family, in a way that asserts autonomy and independence. They’re also operating from a perspective built from their life experience (that is likely very different from your own at their age), and even though that experience may be limited, it is a real, valid experience. They aren’t trying to be disrespectful; they’re trying to grow up, and as annoying as it can be, it’s important as the parent to “agree to disagree”.
Now, this isn’t to say that you need to let bigotry, rudeness, or harmful ideas go. When you notice your teen is being disagreeable as a way to be annoying, let it go. When you notice they’re slipping into dangerous thought patterns or philosophies, it’s time to talk. But again, this is a time to keep your cool, to explain why you’re concerned, give your teen more perspective through real-life experience (volunteering with those less fortunate, spending time with people who speak out against the impacts of bigotry or harm, etc.), and to take a more involved approach than just “because I said so!”
Secret #4 - You may need to reframe your assessment: Is it actually disrespect, or dysregulation?
It can be easy to assume that your teen’s bad mood is just them being disrespectful, and it can be easy to respond with anger, punishment, and demands of respect. You do work hard as a parent, and it can feel pretty insulting to be on the receiving end of a bad attitude! Don’t assume your teen is being disrespectful. Try to find out if something else is going on in their life that is overwhelming them.
Here’s the thing about teens: they’re still children in many ways. Emotional regulation is one of those ways. They’re experiencing a lot more emotional complexity than when they were younger, and they haven’t learned all the ways to handle that complexity. They may be struggling with something in life they aren’t quite sure how to share, so it can come out in anger, sadness, or silence in moments where it doesn’t make sense, like a calm family dinner, a normal drive home from school, or a routine Saturday morning chore session.
Secret #5 - Your teen is dealing with more than you know
A lot of parents assume teens don’t have much to worry about in life, but that’s far from the truth. School pressures, social pressures (both in real life and online), worries about the future, stress from discord in the home, mental health concerns, and more impact teens every day. Think about what might be going on with your teen, and why they might be struggling with feelings they aren’t expressing well. A little understanding can go a long way toward making teens’ moods feel much less personal, and it can help you start conversations through careful, open-ended questions to help them talk through how they’re feeling.
Maybe they just broke up with a partner, and in their sadness, they shut down.
Maybe there’s trouble in their friend group, and they’re anxious and sad because of the change.
Maybe they’re struggling with a specific school subject or are having a hard time focusing in class, and they’re trying to hide that out of shame, so it comes out as impatience.
Maybe they’re ready to quit sports, even though they’ve spent a lot of their young life on a team, and they’re scared to disappoint you.
Maybe they’re dealing with sibling rivalry, trying to figure out their sexuality or gender identity, or they’re being hit hard by parental discord but don’t know how to express how they’re feeling, so it boils over into tears and anger.
Bonus - Putting it all together
Raising teens is rarely straightforward. The five secrets you’ve read: (1) staying present even when they pull away, (2) listening without judgment, (3) allowing room for independence, (4) recognizing when “disrespect” is really dysregulation, and (5) remembering that your teen is juggling far more than you might see, are all part of the same theme: connection through understanding. When parents shift from reacting to relating, teens feel safer, more seen, and more willing to communicate. You can’t control every choice your teen makes, but you can influence how safe they feel coming to you when life gets hard.
Therapy for Teens, Parents & Families in Coral Springs
Parenting a teen can feel like walking a tightrope, trying to balance love, structure, and independence all at once. You want to guide your teen toward adulthood while still keeping your connection strong, but it’s easy to feel unsure about what helps and what hurts. That’s where therapy can make a real difference. Whether your family comes in together, your teen attends individually, or you seek guidance as a parent, therapy offers a calm, nonjudgmental space to learn new tools, understand one another, and practice healthier communication at home.
For families, therapy can be a place to reset, a place where everyone’s perspective is heard and validated. It’s not about pointing fingers or assigning blame; it’s about building skills for listening, boundaries, and emotional regulation that make day-to-day life smoother. Teens often open up more easily in therapy, too. With a neutral adult who understands the developmental changes and pressures they’re facing, they can explore what’s beneath their behavior—anxiety, sadness, pressure, or identity questions—and start to express themselves more clearly and calmly.
Even if you just come in for parent sessions, that time can help you reflect, regroup, and learn strategies that support both your teen and your own well-being. From managing conflict and communication to understanding the emotional needs behind your teen’s behavior, therapy helps you approach parenting from a place of confidence and compassion.
At Haven Family Therapy, we specialize in helping families reconnect and grow stronger through every stage of adolescence. Together, we’ll build a path forward that helps you and your teen feel more secure, understood, and connected, no matter what challenges come your way.
